Sunday, April 4, 2010

If there were an emotional reason for your fibroids, what might it be?

I'm working with a new coach, and she asked me this question to prepare before our next session.
Here are some of my thoughts.
Some say that fibroids are due to "over-mothering" and I do have a tendency to feel like I have to take care of other people, or that other people expect me to take care of them.  Starting with being expected to take care of my handicapped sister while growing up, and now in my business with people I work with expecting me to somehow magically bring in tons of work to keep them busy (hey, have you heard there is a recession going on?) and even on the home front currently feeling like I need to be the breadwinner (my husband's employer went belly up last fall and now he's working on a couple of startup projects that have interesting potential but of course do not pay anything...)
Combine this with an accumulated deficit of attention from not getting enough attention as a child (due to my handicapped sister tending to absorb all available attention of the family) and then through much of my adult life not having gotten the romance and attention and validation that I had wanted due to poor luck in the dating scene.  And even now that I have a husband who gives me a lot of attention it's probably not enough to erage the large accumulated deficit.
I think there may also be some aspect of wanting to be in control, and not comfortable when I don't feel in control.
I wonder also if part of my fibroids are due to fear - fear of having another thing to take care of, more on my to-do list, when even now I can hardly squeeze into the day all the things I would like to get done.  This fear may be exacerbated by the fact that even with just my husband and myself it's a struggle to keep the house neat and under control.
Also fear of having a handicapped child myself and being trapped in the same kind of life that my mother was of being frustrated not being able to have freedom to do what she was interested in. 
Something related to that is this deep feeling of not being like other people, of having the things that come easily to other people be somehow elusive or mysterious to me, like I'm some kind of alien not really part of the regular rhythm of the human race. Being single all my 30s made this feeling of being left out of the normal world stronger, and of course as a child being in a household with a handicapped child I felt like we were not normal (because we could not do the things that normal families did, and  there was always something different about us, people treating us differently.  Also this core of feeling like I'm different could be in part from being Jewish (a big part of Jewish identity is all about how we're different from everyone else, The Chosen People, the persecuted people, etc.) Also being an ivy league intellectual type was not a good fit for where I lived in the Midwest for so many years, so really since the time my family moved to Chicago when I was 9 I never really felt normal again until when I moved to Silicon Valley a few years ago.  And I guess having different interests and talents and way of looking at the world from other people. Also currently not having kids yet at this age makes me feel not like other “normal” people.
Also related I think on some level I have trouble letting go of old things -- physically I tend to keep a lot of papers and stuff around. A friend who does reiki told me once that energetically I need to work on moving through me stuff (energies) that I no longer need.  Am thinking perhaps I have a problem with that -- just as on a physical level I have a lot of trouble with sluggish lymph.
I don't have much more time to write, but there was an interesting passage in the book Energy Medicine for Women where she talks about how some women have their sexual energy "vortex" at the second chakra shut down, after too many loves and loves lost, and as ex Sex and the City type girl that resonated with me and somehow I think something in that area is not flowing as it should.  I also think that due to my husband's rather rapidly pursuing me when we first started dating (told people at the time it was like having a dump truck of chocolate fudge dumped on me -- really sweet but way too much all at once!) and then some difficulties getting settled in as a couple (he had never lived with a woman before, so I had to housebreak him!) I feel that perhaps on some deep level my body may not have fully accepted him as my "mate".
Ok, gotta go but I think that's plenty of stuff for a start!


Ginae said...

wow! that was deep! i can relate to a lot of this...not everything but the not feeling normal, feeling like i didn't get enough attention in my childhood, not seeing the world or thinking like other people, not having a mate most of my 30's, feeling left out, wondering why everything came so easy for others, and not me, etc...your post enlightened the heck out of me and made me aware of some of my own issues. that's interesting about the mate concept and thinking you are scared to have yet another person to take care could be onto something..

but then i think about what about all the other folks who had the same issues, blocks, obstacles, etc. and they still got pregnant, etc..then i go back to what's wrong with me. why is the situation different for me? i'm sure you wonder the same thing..

wow..i shall have to take some time to let this all marinate on my brain...very interesting!

Ginae said...

I wrote a long response on this but never saw a reply..I'm thinking it must not have went through? durn it.

Fibroid Shrinker said...

Hi there, I thought I moderated all comments but there might be a missing one, have been ultra busy with work lately. Will check to see if it's in the system waiting somewhere!