Monday, April 19, 2010

some thoughts

I've been so busy with work lately have not had a lot of time to write about some of the interesting things I have been doing.  One of them has been working with an EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) coach.  You can download a free do-it-yourself manual, which I found helpful, or read one of the many books out there such as The EFT Manual (EFT: Emotional Freedom Techniques) or Five Simple Steps to Emotional Healing: The Last Self-Help Book You Will Ever Need.  But I felt to really get into it I needed some expert assistance. So I went on the practitioner directory on the EFT site and found an EFT practitioner who specializes in fertility issues.  She is really fabulous, caring and insightful, and I feel like I am making real progress in working with her.   I'm doing weekly sessions, and really look forward to them.

In EFT one talks a lot about past experiences that created an emotional charge in the body, and then work to clear that charge.  So part of what we are doing in our sessions is a kind of detective work.

Last night I was reading one of my favorite books, Calling in the One .  This is the one dating book that I found to be most useful during my long single years (although I would also highly recommend Getting to 'I Do'and Mars and Venus on a Date).  So why am I reading a dating book now that I'm happily married?  Because Calling in the One is not about dating techniques, but more about working on yourself so that you are a more emotionally balanced and happy person who will attract someone who is a good partner for you.  A good theme even if one has already found one's "One".  And it worked so well, that I found my husband after I had only read and implemented about a third of it.  So I'm reading it now, to glean the rest of the learning.  I think this book is a must-read for anyone who is single, and even if you are not I think it is so well-written and insightful that it could be helpful esp. if you substitute your current issue (such as "not getting pregnant" or "not being able to get rid of the fibroids") for "not having found your partner."  For example, I read the chapter on manifesting last night, and for me it made a lot more sense and was more persuasive than the book by Wayne Dyer that I read a few months ago.

Anyway, the chapter I was reading last night talked about how experiences as a young child can set up patterns in how we perceive ourselves and how we interact with the world.  This brought to mind something I hadn't thought about in a long time.  When I was very small, e.g. about 1 year old, my mother did something that she had learned in her college child development class was a good way to help children learn to be more independent. She would put me in my playpen, and put me in the backyard by myself.  I would be in front of her watchful eye from the kitchen window, however even if I cried she would not come out to me, and instead force me to cope with being alone and somehow amuse myself. Now I don't remember this, but my mother told me about it later, I believe in the context of joking that it had perhaps worked too well because I am extremely independent. 

A few years ago I was on a group trip and one of the other participants was a child psychologist.  On one of our long talks during the drive portion, I mentioned to her about this and she confirmed that this was indeed a popular idea in the 50's, and that indeed it's very contrary to what is considered today to be healthy for a child.

I was telling my husband about this last night and he said "that sounds like a 'grievance story' to me", using a phrase from a book that we have been reading together called Forgive for Good (title self-explanatory!)  I told him not exactly, because I have completely forgiven my mother.  She was just doing what she had been told was the best thing to do, and she honestly believed that it was something good for me.  I'm sure that when I am a mother I am going to research what is supposed to be the best way to raise a child, and will do what is supposed to be the best thing. So I don't blame her, and indeed I'm guessing it probably was not very pleasant for her either.

However, even though I forgive my mother, that doesn't change the fact that I think this negative experience affected me at some deep level, and created some deep-seated beliefs about myself and my relation to the world.  Particularly when soon after that my sister arrived, and from then on due to her cerebral palsy my parent's focus had to be on her needs and I did not get as much attention to my needs and had to take care of myself in a lot of ways.  So it seems to me that the leaving-me-out-in-the-yard might have created an emotional dynamic that was then exacerbated after the arrival of my sister, kind of a double whammy.  In other words, the leaving-me-out-in-the-yard thing, while bad in itself, might not have been as significant if it hadn't been for what followed.

If I were to try to sum up that dynamic, I think part of it may have been a negative impact on the relationship with my mother.  I think that in some way I lost the ability to trust that she would take care of my emotional needs, and indeed I've always felt that somehow we lacked the closeness that other mothers and daughters share.  And indeed I often feel that my mom doesn't "get" me or listen to my needs well -- maybe because at some deep level I don't expect that she can, or for a long time I never gave her the chance to because at some level I decided I had to shut myself off from her in order to prevent myself from being disappointed? 

I think this also may affect my ability to trust other people to be able to be there for me or to help me.  To be honest I think it might be affecting how I relate to my husband.  I think at some level I set up very high expectations for people and how they will behave, and become disappointed when inevitably they can't live up to them.   Also if we are talking about the issue of trust, there are all the issues I have with doctors, and my deep lack of trust that they can really help me.

I think another possible negative impact is that I do seem to have this feeling that I have to try harder than other people at things, that things don't come naturally to me, that I have to exert incredible power and energy to make them happen.  I'm guessing that when my mother didn't come when I cried, that I felt I had to cry harder and yell louder  to get her to come.  And maybe that worked, and so maybe I got the idea that I have to make extraordinary efforts in order to achieve anything.  And yes I do achieve a lot but there's a big exhausting effort required.  Like years do fruitless dating and reading every dating book ever published before I met my husband.  Or now, becoming an expert on fibroids for goodness sake!  I am sick of trying way too hard at things.  And in fact got some messages about that this week: 1) my acupuncturist has like many times before talked to me about how I need to stop feeling that I have to orchestrate everything, that I am overusing my liver and 2) I had a BodyTalk appointment and the practitioner told me I needed to use less masculine energy to get things done, and more feminine energy of letting things unfold and attracting things to me.  All fits a pattern I think.

Ok, so that's a bit of amateur self psycho-analysis I suppose, but I share it all with you as an example of the level I think we need to get down to if we really want to shift what is going on with our bodies.  And I don't think it's enough to just be aware of these things, one needs to change the pattern and to release the negative stored energy associated with it.  That's where I'm finding the EFT to be helpful.  Not sure exactly how this all will relate to getting rid of fibroids or improving my fertility, but my gut feeling tells me that cleaning out this kind of old "gunk" certainly won't hurt. 


Ginae said...

wow..that was quite the interesting post..and this part here....and the part about your relationship with your mom and how you relate to her, are independent, not that close to her, she doesn't "get" you, you stay detached as to not be dissapointed again, etc. geez I could have score you were talking about me and my mom...

Fibroid Shrinker said...

Thanks much. Yep a lot of stuff there...