Wednesday, May 27, 2009

my Body Talk session today

After hearing about all the recent surprises, my Body Talk practitioner asked me in for an on-the-house session today because she just had to ask my fibroids what was up. I think on a professional level, she was both upset and curious about recent developments, and for herself as a professional felt the need to get to the bottom of that. I really appreciate that kind of attitude.

For those of you who have not seen prior posts, Body Talk is a form of energy healing in which the practitioner "talks" to the body to uncover information and heal imbalances. I've been doing it for the past year and find it helpful, however have not been doing it intensively (for awhile because I was too busy with other appointments, and more recently because the practitioner told me my body said it only needed to come every 6-8 weeks).

A bunch of interesting things came up.

First of all, when she "asked" them the fibroids said that they were there to protect me, from "hostility" in the world. She asked me what was going on earlier in my career before some of my career achievements, what might have made me feel that I needed to "prove my worth" to others by being successful. In response to this I told the practitioner about how ever since my family moved to Chicago when I was 9, I never felt at home there and always wanted to somehow feel better about being different and rise above what I felt was being surrounded with people who didn't "get" me. That was a big part of going away to an Ivy League school on the east coast, doing something different and "better." Somehow I wanted to prove that I was made out of different stuff than all those kids in my high school I didn't like -- the same reason I wore ultra-preppy clothes in dark and primary colors to distinguish myself from the girls who wore pink and purple outfits with glitter on them.

The main reason I came back to Chicago was that for many years I strongly believed that I had to be there, due to my sister's handicap, both to be supportive to my parents and perhaps someday to take over managing her care. I just didn't consider any other options, it was like a promise I had made mentally somehow. And indeed except for the 2 years I lived in Japan, I stayed in Chicago for years and years. It wasn't until I was 40 years old and read the book Calling in the One (dreadful title, fabulous book) that I realized this subconscious promise I had made that was not serving me, that I was not helping anyone by feeling like I had to stay in Chicago, and within several months I had split town.

In hindsight, how stupid it was of me to come back to a place where all the people I hated from high school (highly materialistic and whose world did not go beyond the Midwest) and people like them were in the majority and were the ones running the town. A place where someone like me, who went to an ivy league school, got an MBA, lived in Japan for awhile and learned fluent Japanese, etc. was viewed as kind of a freak. (Sorry to sound so down on Chicago, there are many wonderful things about the city and I have so many wonderful friends there but it was just not the right place for me!) But I valiantly tried to make it work, spending years frantically scrambling to find those few like-minded people to be friends with (successfully) and to date (unsuccessfully).

It wasn't until I came to California where all the things that had made me seem like an oddball in Chicago just made me average here, and where I suddenly went from never having a date to being what I jokingly told friends was being "the Prom Queen of Palo Alto". (I am a kind of dream gal for the typical Silicon Valley PhD type guy -- a brainy gal who is also cute, and once I got here for the first time in my life I had my pick of guys, and quickly nabbed a charming software programmer who is now my dear husband...)

My practitioner picked up on the words "frantically scrambling" and said that my body has not figured out that things have changed, that I don't need to to frantically scramble anymore, that somehow I am stuck in that mode, especially my endometrial tissue, she says it's like it's scattered, not coherent.

Indeed, there was a lot of frantic scrambling in my life in my 30s, during the time that the fibroids were getting established -- frantically scrambling to establish my own company and to make it successful, scrambling to try to carve out a satisfying social life in a place where there were not many people I could relate to (for example I started not one but two successful social clubs!), and trying to meet the right guy (I put huge amounts of effort into this for years, countless blind dates and showing up at every flavor of social event, before I finally realized I was fishing in the wrong pond).

She said that I need to change my relationship with time, and not always feel like I am scrambling to meet a deadline. In that sense, this whole fertility thing with "we have to have a baby while my eggs are still good" certainly has played right into my issues with time.

She then asked me about my father's mother, an interesting question because I look exactly like her and share some similar interests (e.g. yoga and health food (she was ahead of her time on those)). Sadly, my grandmother had lots of difficulties in her relationships with other people, she was always combative and alienated many of her relatives, and although I didn't spend enough time with her after the point where I would have noticed it, evidently she was a rather difficult person to be around. Even though I don't have those kinds of issues, the practitioner said that I do carry that combativeness at some level. The practitioner said that I need to let go of that kind of combativeness, the feeling that I always have to be primed for a fight or to defend myself. That I need to learn how to switch this off, and only turn it on when I need it, as opposed to having it on all the time.

She said that beneath these issues was also what she called a genetic layer, consisting of "stuff" that had been passed down to me over generations, of feeling that the world is out to get me and is full of enemies. I laughed and said yeah, that's kind of the message you get when you're Jewish and your ancestors were all persecuted for centuries and for the generation before you the horrible memory of the Holocaust is only all too fresh and you are only too aware that many of your relatives were murdered. (I also feel like I got way too big a dose of this kind of information and feeling as a child when it was too hard for me to process it, including lots of coverage in religious school, seeing the TV miniseries Holocaust and the movie Sophie's Choice at too young an age (high school), and things like having the Hebrew school teacher skip class one day when a big report about intermarriage came out so that she could lecture us that we should only date and marry Jewish people or otherwise our people would disappear (don't you think that's a bit much for a 10 year old to have to shoulder?). So in addition to whatever stuff is there "genetically" I think there is a lot there based on what I heard/was told in my youth.

All of this ties up with what Walter, the clairvoyant, told me about my system being too geared up, that I need to get a lot calmer. It seems like I have been on high alert at some deep level for way too long a time. The challenge is, how to get my body and spirit to realize that I am safe, and that I am at home, and don't have to fight the world... I think my fibroids are telling me that I have a lot more work to do...


Anonymous said...

Hello Hello!

Old friend here - just passing on yet ANOTHER book - smiling! This one is pretty AMAZING...have you read it?

Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom: Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing:

I personally got it from the library (smiling) - save your money!


Anonymous said...

Sorry - this link may be an updated copy!

Sounds like you are doing amazing healing work by the way! I'm always touched by your blog when I can find a moment to pop in and catch the latest. It's really great that you are putting it out there! I've said it before - but you are such an inspiration! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Fibroid Shrinker said...

No I haven't heard of this one, will check it out. Thanks so much for sharing!!!

Fibroid Shrinker said...

Thanks so much for the kind words! I really appreciate it!

Anonymous said...

Your post really resonated with me. I've come to see my own fibroids as tight fists poised to fight and defend myself against the world. I've been trying to visualise them relaxing, opening and unfurling instead. Guess it gets down to how much I'm willing to trust and surrender.

Definitely check out "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom" by Christiane Northrup - an amazing book dense with insights. Best wishes for your journey.

Fibroid Shrinker said...

Thanks so much. Great image of the fists relaxing!

Anya said...

Hi again

Have you tried out any flower essences?

I could recommend a few that I'm aware of that may help

Boab- negative family and cultural patterns
bottlebrush- letting go, mother issues
black eyed susan- impatient, always in a hurry

Here's a link to their site

You may want to find ones that are more local to you, as the energy of your home is likely quite different to mine, so some people prefer to use locally made flower essences.

Thought you also might find it interesting that I read infertility can relate to having a dehydrated body, and that the Weston Price stuff relates a lot of physical dehydration with a lack of good animal fats. This may sound odd, but I now eat a piece of organic bacon every morning to help all the dryness in my skin to heal. I've had cracks in my fingers that would vary significantly since I worked as a screen printer 15yrs ago- and now are almost totally healed. I'm expecting them to vanish altogether in the next couple of weeks.

Good luck again!

Anya said...

Also it just occurred to me, that I should have mentioned the flower remedy for helping to conceive is She Oak- which is related to hydration. There is another remedy that complements it I think, if you're looking to use it to help you conceive. If you're interested I can look it up.

Fibroid Shrinker said...

Thanks so much for writing.
I have indeed beeen using flower remedies. Currently using the Bach Walnut -- good for those working on difficult challenges. I've used some of the Australian ones in the past too, like them very much. I usually use what my acupuncturist picks for me. She says I am almost done with the Walnut, looking forward to seeing what comes up next...

Fibroid Shrinker said...

Thanks again, I looked it up and indeed the She Oak sounds very interesting and relevant, thank you!
For those curious, here in some info:

Anya said...

I had a look in my flower essence book for you, and they suggest taking she oak for six months straight, and then after that commencing taking flannel flower and she oak combined, to clear any karmic blockages preventing conception.

It says not to do the flannel flower with the she oak, until after the six months, as it does not give the desired result.

Myself, I used to use the Bach remedies occasionally but never found they did much for me. I discovered why when I was living in the UK. To make the remedies, in Australia, they leave them in the sun to absorb the energy, but the Bach ones need to be boiled to create the essence. My feeling of them had been that they were a bit wishy washy for me, and that totally explained it, as the part of Australia I'm in tends to be very hot and dry, or quite cold and dry- it's really not a wishy-washy place. Anyway, that's why I thought you might prefer something local, as you may need an essence with a different energetic feel, if that makes sense.

Blessings, and good luck!

Fibroid Shrinker said...

Thanks so much for this information. Sounds really powerful! And it's so interesting to hear the difference between the Bach and the Australian essences. Makes me wonder if there are any made in the U.S. ones? I have used the Australian ones too, and like the easy dosage morning and evening. Basically what I do is have my acupuncturist check with the Bioset machine what's the best energetic match for me. I usually have her check the Bach ones first because if one of those is a good match I can go to Whole Foods and get it easily, rather than waiting for it to be shipped like the Australian ones. I just switched to a new one, will write a new post about it now. But would like to try the she oak, am now very curious! thanks again!

Fibroid Shrinker said...

Wow, I just looked and it seems there are a bunch of different flower essence brands out there now -- from Alaska to South Africa!

Khursheed said...

Hi there,
I know this is an old post on your blog but I just had to write back to you. I admire you so much for your drive and ability to forge ahead through times that were very difficult for you. I too am in my 40s and similar though unlike you, I am hoping for a second child. Your sentence about seeing to have been feeling for so long that you had to defend yourself against the world and how to relax this is what is making me write. I too have struggled with fibroids and this feeling that you speak about but last November I read The Secret and one line in that book helped me and may help you too. It is about the famous question that Einstein suggested every person needs to ask themselves: is this a friendly universe? I believe today that it is, I took a long hard look at my own beliefs and realized that my own beliefs are what make my own life experience. So if you wish to change the fact that your system is on over-defence, from the inside out, you need to change this belief. It is a friendly universe, a world of love and inclusion, despite what some people may do or choose to express, the universe is a wonderfully, friendly and loving place. This belief will change your life. I believe my fibroids were caused by a terrible relationship with my ex in which I almost lost my own identity but after having a myomectomy and being able to successfully heal myself emotionally, I now live fibroid free. You will pardon me, I hope but it also seems to me that you are scheduling too much and too many things into your healing regimen. In my own quest to have a second child, I have done the same until I met a very wise acupuncturist who encouraged me to let go of all the "activities" and schedules and ovulation kits and BBTs etc and to simply live and love my life. The relief and release that I am living now is truly amazing. I believe that as I relax my tight control over my body and allow in the breath of love and living, my body will do what it knows very well how to do, make a healthy baby. Yes, when you reach a certain age, people say this and that about your eggs, body etc. I simply don't believe any of it. I believe that the human body is an amazing masterpiece, it knows better than any doctor how to heal and how to live, if we only support it and nurture it with life affirming things like peace, and joy, and laughter and happiness. It has been an amazing journey for me - learning again how to live my life with enjoyment - I wish you the same peace and the same joy.

Fibroid Shrinker said...

Hello Khursheed
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and insightful comments. I want to respond in more detail later, but wanted to say thank you right away, I really appreciate it.